kismette

Hi again! I haven't been good with keeping consistent, but I've just been really busy with school lately... I think once I get a hang of my new schedule I'll update more regularly. Anyways.. I went to Canada! I saw some family. That was fun. I was really homesick because idk it just felt empty. Probably because we just did the same thing everyday. Just hanging around the mall, then seeing my cousins, then sightseeing. It was okay! The last time I went I really enjoyed it tho. I even wanted to live there, but now I realize that I love where I live too much haha. I would love to live in a walkable city... but there's something about the miles and miles of concrete that pull me in!

I had my first day of school on monday. That was okay. I saw my friends. We had a 3hr lecture. I only have one in-person class and have lab every other week, so I'm at school at most twice a week. I start clinical at the end of october for 6 weeks. I am not excited about the location. It's 40min away from my house which sucks. Gotta wake up super early, but it's okay, maybe it'll be less busy because it's so far. I arranged a car pooling situation already so that's cool. I'm also planning to sleepover at my friend's dorm because my ride also lives on campus. Then I wouldn't have to bother my parents, I can just wake up and go.

I've been kind of down lately. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm on my period. Everything is heightened. Everything that I put in the back of my head is now at the front. I'm anxious about everything right now. I'm having a bout of imposter syndrome. I feel alone. One of my closest friends left for college. One of my family members is sick. That patient I had died. My best friend switched majors. I'd rather he didn't, but I will support him no matter what. I just feel a little lonelier now. I'll still see him of course, probably often and we talked just now. I think it's just that we were like a team and our other friends are closer to each other than they are to me, so I'm hoping that I don't feel too much like a third wheel. With the imposter syndrome, I just feel incompetent. Other than school, I don't do much. I question if I'll be a good nurse. I'm sure it's my dream to be one. I loved how I felt in clinicals. I'm just questioning my knowledge. How much do I really know? I do well on tests, but I don't know if I have what I takes to be an actual nurse. So many people in my class are older. Most of them are 3-4 years older than me. I feel like I'm not doing enough as an adult. I can't drive yet. I don't have a bank account. I think my social anxiety is getting better, but I just want it to be gone now. I should stop feeling sorry for myself, it's just my period and that I've only had one class this week. I think once I socialize a bit more next week I'll be fine.

I have also been thinking about that nurse guy. I want to see him again. I had another dream about him. I'm going crazy.

Hello! It's been awhile. oopsies! Sorry about that. I've been super busy with school, but now I'm on break for two weeks, which isn't much, but I'll take it. I really enjoyed my summer class tho. I loved my clinicals. They were really fun, even if I got traumatized a little. There were a lot of things that made them enjoyable.

For example, the total babe of a nurse I saw during my third clinical. He was fine as hell. TALL!!! so tall. He was so good looking holy shit. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that he was probably the most attrative man I've ever seen in real life. I've seen like at most 3 celebrities in the flesh in my life, and he beats all of them. IM BEING SO HONEST RN. I SWEAR. ok I sound crazy, but there's celebrities, and there are actual men that you dream of. omfg i sound insane. But it's like just someone who lives in your head as a placeholder for a significant other. I really want this to make sense. Like a dream guy. I know that people have "types," I have a type, but this is different. I guess this would be in the same realm as the voice that narrates your thoughts. Just someone who you think of when you imagine your future. At least for me, when I think of my future with someone, I don't imagine someone I have crush on at that specific time. In that moment, I imagine someone like this nurse. I don't even use celebrities as placeholders, I use someone with the physique and looks as this guy (ethnically ambiguous tall handsome guy). I feel like this would sort of justify why I'm so delusional? Maybe? idk. It's just surreal honestly. At least for me. Idk if placeholder dream men are a universal experience. Just like someone that's been in your mind for as long as you could imagine. You didn't even know existed, but were just there. It's crazy. It just clicks. Like "that's where I know him from," but literally he's from my brain and now he's standing in front of me.

I didn't interact with him much at all. When I got to that unit, the secretary was so nice and told me I could sit down in their little computer area. So I sat down and a few minutes later the dream guy, lets call him B, walks up to the desk and excuses himself before grabbing his papers. His voice is also exactly what I imagined. I didn't process this til later tho because I was extremely nervous that something like last time was going to happen. So I was literally sitting at his desk looking shell shocked. After that, I got up and "listened" huddle, when I was really just looking at him the entire time. He had a mask on and I already knew what he looked like. He pulled it down and for a moment I thought maybe he was too good to be true and I wouldn't be attracted to what was under the mask, but ofc he was literally exactly what I pictured. Literally so gorgeous. I sound insane.

Huddle ended and I got assigned to this older nurse. She was pretty nice, but she did not want me to do anything hehe. So not much to write about when it comes to the actual clinical part, but all I did was get some waters and sodas. I did get to do an ECG tho with this other nurse, but that's about it. Ok so when I got assigned to my nurse she was waiting for a night shift nurse to finish their report and B was waiting to give report to my nurse (?) I'm not sure, but the point is that he was stading next to me and the height difference was crazy. I decided to get a sneaky little look at his badge :D and that was successful. He had a solid name. Ok but the thing is... I swear he looked at my badge too. I literally saw him squinting trying to read it LMAO probably bc I was a long way down. HE WANTS ME SO BAD!! HES LITERALLY IN LOVE WITH ME OMG!! but no, I think he was trying to figure out who tf I was looking so scared and tired sitting at his desk earlier.

Ok that's about it for our interaction. I did see him walking around after that, but that's it. I probably won't see him again, but I really want to. I'm speaking it into the universe that I will see him again whether that be through clinical or in a few years when I'm working in that area LMAO. I know I sound crazy, but pls when do you ever get the chance to meet someone that has literally lived in your imagination? AHAHAH. I'm probably gonna drop it, but I do hope we cross paths again hehe.